We all desire to feel seen, heard, and understood, especially by those we love most. For many
folks, providing emotional support is essential in navigating life’s ups and downs. One effective approach to fostering this kind of environment in your relationships is through the principles of Emotion-Focused Family Therapy (EFFT) developed by Dr. Adele Lafrance.
Validation is the first, and essential step in this process. At its core, validation is the act of
recognizing and accepting someone’s feeing’s, thoughts, and experiences without judgment. It’s about creating a safe space where individuals feel comfortable expressing themselves. Validation doesn’t mean you have to agree with the other person’s perspective; rather, it acknowledges their emotional reality as valid and worthy of attention.
Why is Validation Important?
Enhances Emotional Connection: when we validate our loved ones, we foster deeper emotional intimacy. This connection can lead to stronger, more resilient relationships.
Reduces Conflict: Validation can de-escalate potential conflicts. When someone feels
understood, they are less likely to react defensively or aggressively.
Promotes Healing: For those dealing with emotional pain or distress, validation can be
incredibly therapeutic. It allows individuals to process their feelings, leading to healing and
growth.
Encourages Open Communication: When folks feel validated, they are more likely to share their thoughts and feelings openly, paving the way for healthy communication.
Validation is often a hard skill to foster and implement, especially with loved ones. Take a
moment to think about what your go-to response is when a loved one comes to you with
distress…Do you have a hard time validating your loved ones? Do you tend to jump to problem-solving? Do you provide emotional comfort like a hug?
When a loved one is upset and experiencing big emotions, often our initial reaction is to
provide emotional reassurance or problem-solve with them. However, this often leaves them
not feeling heard and escalates the emotions of the situation.
Let’s explore the steps we can take to make validating our loved ones easy and become our go-to response when people come to us with big emotions!
1. Check in with yourself. Are you calm? If not, take a breath.
2. Transform BUT to BECAUSE.
For example, when your loved one tells you they feel sad about missing out on a
family event. Rather than leading with a typical response like “I can understand why
you might feel sad but there’s always next time.” You would first imagine why it
would make sense for them to feel sad and then convey your understanding using
the word because like:
“I can understand why you might feel sad because you know you’re going to miss
out on the fun”
3. Use at least 3 because’s
For example, “I can understand why you might feel sad because you know you’re
going to mis out on the fun; and because you were really looking forward to this; and
because you don’t know when you’ll have another opportunity.”
You don’t need to use the word because each time, but it can help you to structure
your validation until doing so becomes more natural.
4. Match your loved one’s tone and volume
For example, if they are feeling blue, say it low and slow. If they are feeling angry,
say it with energy (but not anger). Doing so will quite literally calm the emotional
circuits in their brain.
Validating your loved one’s emotional experience – even if you don’t personally agree – will
have a calming effect on your loved one.
Here is a validation script that you can keep and save for when you need it with your loved
ones!
Validation Script:
A) Convey understanding of their experience (from their point of view)
a. I could understand you might feel/think/want to/not to want to _________
B) Demonstrate that you “get it” with sincerity and in a way that reflects their positive
intentions, vulnerable feelings, or attempts for relief from pain:
a. Because 1: ______ because 2: _______ because 3: _______
Remember the goal of validation is not to fix problems but to be present for our loved ones in their emotional experiences. By doing so, we not only strengthen our bonds but also foster a nurturing environment that promotes healing and understanding. In a world that often feels disconnected, let's strive to be the source of validation and support for those we cherish.
If you’re interested in exploring more about how to emotionally support and validate your loved ones or enhance your relationships, reach out to us today! Together we can navigate the complexities of emotional connections and build stronger, healthier relationships.
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